Getting Your Billion Dollars' Worth

The new super-glossy men's magazine Portfolio has a breakdown of the pending sale of the Cubbies, estimating Sam Zell will fetch something around $1 billion for the team.

Wow. It's hard to even type "one billion dollars" without venturing into the Dr. Evil voice. Curse you, Mike Myers!

Anyway...

The article breaks down the estimated value of the franchise, the Cubs' stake in Comcast SportsNet Chicago and Wrigley Field, as well as a "premium" -- which loosely translates as "the amount of extra scratch a rich guy will throw around just to prove how rich he is."

The author neglects to consider several other factors that may impact the overall value of the Cubs. Luckily, we're here to fill in the blanks.

• The Franchise Center Fielder Who Can't Play Center Field: The Cubs signed second baseman-turned-left fielder Alfonso Soriano to a massive eight-year contract despite the fact that he'd never played center before. The results so far? No homers, one RBI, 13 strikeouts, one pulled hamstring. The "Soriano in center" alignment has already been abandoned -- he'll be shifted to left field permanently.
• The Franchise Pitchers Who Can't Pitch: The story of Mark Prior just gets worse and worse. Prior will miss the entire 2007 season after surgery to remove dead tissue from his throwing shoulder. At this point, one has to seriously wonder whether or not he'll ever pitch at the major league level again. Meanwhile, Kerry Wood continues to languish on the disabled list.
• The Franchise Pitchers Who Won't Sign: First, Carlos Zambrano wanted an extension before Opening Day. With the two sides reportedly close to a deal, Zambrano kept negotiating past his deadline. Three weeks later: no deal. What's the holdup? The pending sale of the team, perhaps? Or Zambrano's lackluster performance this season?
• A Manager Who Can't Hold His Temper: When things look grim, we can always count on Sweet Lou Piniella to fire up the team with his own personal brand of motivational speaking. If by "motivational speaking" you mean "verbal abuse."

And then there's the most valuable commodity of all... a fan base that continues to support the team even though the Cubs' championship drought will soon be measured in centuries.

On second thought... a billion bucks might be too cheap for this team.

Originally published at About Baseball